The chronicles of emo man

The chronicles of emo-man

By Jeremy Nagel

Dramatis Personae:

- Boss goon: A big thug

- Dove: A female underling thug

- Joey: A stupid male thug

- Moose: A small weedy looking kid

- Emo kid: An emo kid

- Newspaper goon leader: An intelligent looking (but nasty) kid

- Biggest goon leader: A massive goon who has clearly risen through the ranks of GA (Goons Associated) purely by virtue of his brawn.

- Accountant goon leader: A lanky kid with glasses

- Fertiliser salesman: An emaciated guy with bloodshot eyes

- Two other kids: Two random kids

Synopsis:

An extortion agency is threatened by a new player in the market and cooks up a nefarious scheme to get rid of him.

Scene 1:

Characters:

- Boss goon (BG)

- Dove (D)

- Joey (J)

- Moose (M)

- Emo kid (EK)

Three burly kids (two guys, one girl) are clustered around a little kid, making threatening gestures at him.

Boss goon: “Ok Moose, you know the deal. You owe $5 to Goons Limited for protection”

Moose: “But your goons just mugged me yesterday and took all my money!”

BG: “Well ain’t that just too bad. I guess we’ll just have to give you a friendly reminder to be more punctual with your payments in the future”

BG turns to girl

BG: “Dove, give our friend here a wedgie so massive he’ll squeak like he’s had a lungful of helium”

Dove steps towards Moose, puts hand on shoulder

BG sees emo kid standing in shadows

BG: “Well who do we have here? Scram kid before you get what he’s having”

Emo kid stands there expressionless

BG: “Trying to be a hero kid?”

Joey: “Yeah, he’s a hero allright boss..they call him ‘EMO MAN’”

Goons collapse into laughter slap Joey on back

BG: “Nice one Joey. Look buster, just leave now and pretend you saw nothing. Otherwise things aren’t looking up for you”

Emo kid stands there expressionless

BG glares at EK

EK remains expressionless

Camera flashes between both characters – staring contest

BG looks away

BG: “Allright, that’s it. Joey, give this nimsquat something to remember us by”

Joey advances on EK, punches him in gut

Close up on Joey’s face as he suddenly grimaces in pain

J: “Argh, what the hell? This guy’s made of steel or something”

EK pulls on fringe. Long strand of black ‘hair’ unreels. Lashes Joey with fringe

Joey falls to ground

J: “Arrgggh! It burns! It burns! I’m suddenly filled with intense self hatred!”

Slumps into unconsciousness

BG: “You may have conquered Joey, but I think you’ll find I’m more than a match for you! Let’s see if you’re resistant to supermarket trolley handles!”

BG pulls out trolley handle

Two circle each other

EK lashes out with fringe, but misses as BG jumps to side

BG thrusts with trolley handle

EK dodges and while BG is off balance, lashes him with fringe

BG: “Argh no! I just got emo fringed! Sudden urge to listen to Weezer. Must..fight..it”

BG hits himself over head with trolley handle

Dove runs off screaming

Moose walks up to EK

M: “Thanks man. Those thugs were going to pulverise me. How’d you learn to fight like that? Those guys must’ve weighed twice as much as you.”

EK remains expressionless

EK: “I’ll be seeing you next week Moose. Bring the $5.”

-Cut to black-

Scene 2:

Characters:

- Newspaper goon leader (NGL)

- Biggest goon leader (BGL)

- Accountant goon leader (AGL)

Scene:

Three guys sit around table. One adds up figures on a calculator (AGL), one picks nails with knife (BGL), one calmly reads newspaper (NGL).

AGL: “Takings are down 40% this week. This newcomer’s bleeding us dry”

BGL (rough voice): “That bastard took out two squads last week. I had to go out there myself, and believe me, I wasn’t happy about it.”

AGL: “We’ve got to do something about this guy. If we don’t act soon, there’s not going to be anything left to salvage.”

BGL: “I’ve got a good mind to seek this guy out and deal with him myself. We’ll see how his steel abs stand up to old ‘Twisted sister’ here”

BG gestures at knife

NGL: “Macho posing aside, I agree that something needs to be done about this chap. That’s why I’ve prepared a cunning plan to get our emo friend out of our hair”

BGL (sarcastic): “What’s your cunning plan then, Mister ‘I’m so smart I can read a newspaper’?”

AGL: “Quite. Our friend strikes terror into the hearts of your enforcers does he not?”

BGL grunts

AGL: “Well by definition, that makes him a terrorist, and we know what our government thinks of terrorists don’t we?”

Close up of newspaper where ad for National Security Hotline is circled in red

-Dramatic music, cut to black-

(Beat)

Scene 3:

Characters:

- Boss Goon (BG)

- Joey (Male goon J)

- Newspaper Goon Leader (NGL)

- Moose

Scene:

Two goons kneel in front of Moose, hands in pleading poses. NGL stands behind them. Moose smiles.

NGL: “Come on Moose, you have to help us stop this guy. He’s a menace to everyone. You saw what he did to our comrades”

Moose snorts

M: “Oh and you weren’t a menace before him I suppose? I say good riddance to your ‘comrades’, at least this guy has style”

NGL: “Look Moose, I’ll cut you a deal. You help us out now and I’ll give you unlimited protection once we deal with this clown.”

M: “Really? Do you promise”

NGL: “I promise”

M: “Snot shake on it then”

NGL: “Gargh, I hate this tradition”

NGL shrugs shoulders and pretends to snort into hand. Moose does same

-Close up of hands with fake snot as they shake –

Moose passes NGL money, he puts into collection tin

Scene 4:

Characters:

- Boss Goon (BG)

- Joey (Male goon J)

- Newspaper Goon Leader (NGL)

- Two kids

Scene:

Long shot of Goons walking up to two kids and getting money off them

Close up of NGL rattling tin and grinning

Scene 5:

Characters:

- Boss Goon (BG)

- Joey (Male goon J)

- Newspaper Goon Leader (NGL)

- Fertiliser salesman (FL)

Scene:

Goons walk up street towards roadside stall “Fertileyeser 4 sail” with wheelbarrow in tow

NGL: “I’ll have 500kg of fertiliser thanks”

FL: “500kg! You must have a mighty big rose bed!”

NGL: “Actually I’m planning to blow up the Sydney harbour bridge, so I need the fertiliser to make a car bomb.”

FL drops jaw

NGL: “Haha I’m just kidding. I’m not a terrorist.”

FL: “Hahahahahahahahaha. I didn’t believe you for a second my friend, you’re not nearly middle eastern enough to be a terrorist.”

FL leans in close

FL: “To be honest, I would’ve sold it to you anyway. You can’t be too picky about who you sell your fertiliser to when you have an ice habit to supply. Now, give me that money!”

NGL hands FL collection tin

FL feverishly counts notes

Goons walk off with wheelbarrow full of fertiliser

-Cut to black-

Scene 6:

Characters:

- Boss Goon (BG)

- Joey (Male goon J)

- Newspaper Goon Leader (NGL)

Scene:

Goons walk up to a house with wheelbarrow full of fertiliser

NGL: “Hmm, this should be the one. I googled him to find out his address. I also found out he’s a member of the Dakota Fanning fan club.”

BG: “That bastard! Let’s frame this dude!”

-Fast paced music, time speeds up-

Goons wheel wheelbarrow to garage and dump fertiliser in there, along with book entitled ‘Idiot’s guide to Jihad’

-Cut to black-

Scene 7:

Characters:

- Newspaper Goon Leader (NGL)

Scene:

NGL with peg on nose lifts up phone

NGL (fake voice): “Hello, is this the National Security Hotline? I have some information you might find interesting..”

-Cut to black-

Scene 8:

Characters:

- Newspaper goon leader (NGL)

- Biggest goon leader (BGL)

- Accountant goon leader (AGL)

Scene:

- Two guys sit around table. One adds up figures on a calculator (AGL), one picks nails with knife (BGL).

AGL walks in holding newspaper

AGL: “We did it guys, emo man’s history!”

Close up of newspaper. Headline: “Sleeper cell busted, one man taken into custody under new anti-terrorism laws”

BGL: “Excellent! Now we can get back to doing what we do best and extort some kids!”

Scene 9:

Characters:

- Newspaper Leader Goon (NGL)

- Boss goon

- Dove (female goon)

- Joey (male goon)

- Two other kids

- Moose (small kid)

Scene:

Goons go around to kids, put fist to head and receive cash

Goons walk up to Moose, give him same treatment

Moose (crying): “But you promised me I’d have immunity!”

NGL (smirking): “Well there are promises, and there are non-core promises”

-Cut to black-